Float is based on a Wattpad story, and it shows. Where else would you find a Chinese heroine named Waverly (Andrea Bang)? Okay, so Waverly has been living in Canada since she was three years old; going by Bang’s age, she would have been 18 when Wizards of Waverly Place premiered. It’s a stretch, but maybe she nicknamed herself after her favorite show.
But then that’s what her parents call her too, and her parents are the kind of old-fashioned, no-nonsense Chinese elders (Waverly’s father, for instance, never phones her because “Daughters talk to their mothers”) who would without exception address their child by her given name.
Chances are it’s Kate Merchant, the authoress of the original story, who is a Wizards of Waverly Place fiend — and I’m not going to hate on that because I myself am fond of watching the reruns (for Selena, man; she is too fine); however, there are subtler ways to do a Shout-Out. Like, for instance, not making Waverly a Chinese-born character with old-school Chinese parents.
This sort of incongruity comes about when you don’t know who your characters are meant to be. The script called for an Education Mama and, according to stereotype, Education Mamas are predominantly Asian, so the writers went, ‘eh, let’s just make ‘em Chinese and leave it at that’ (or words to that effect).
Why it didn’t occur to the filmmakers that it would make a whole lot more sense for Waverly’s parents (who have so little use for all things Western that they returned to Taipei when Waverly started boarding school) to have given her a traditional Chinese name (which is what co-writer/director Sherren Lee should have done), I haven’t the foggiest.
If they had, then you could have Waverly adopt a North American name (preferably something unrelated to an old Disney Channel sitcom) as a token of her Teen Rebellion — well, not so much ‘teen,’ as we’re about to see.
Bang is 34 years old, and petite and skinny though she may be, she’s nonetheless a 30ish-looking petite, skinny girl (and a good thing, too; otherwise, her cavorting with 36-year-old Robbie Amell would be downright creepy).
Now, it’s entirely and realistically possible for a thirtysomething med school graduate to be just about to start her residency; she’d still be too old, though, for the whole angsty ‘whaa-whaa my folks just don’t get me’ bullshit.
Waverly was looking forward to spending the summer with her parents in Taipei, but her mother got her a job in Toronto instead (“Dr. Wong squeezed you into his research team … His work is very good, very groundbreaking”).
Like any mature person with at least eight years of tertiary education under her belt would, Waverly decides to play hooky and abscond to the fictional British Columbia seaside town of Holden, where her underachieving (by Waverly’s mom’s standards) aunt Rachel (Michelle Krusiec) puts her up.
Rachel’s next-door neighbor is Blake (Amell). Here’s Blake’s job description in his own words: “I’m a lifeguard. I guard the lives at the beach.” Yep, that’s what lifeguards do.
In another example of needless repetition, Blake saves Waverly from drowning twice in a relatively short span. After the first time, he offers to teach her to swim, almost causing her to drown again when he inattentively tells her to “hop in” the pool at the deep end.
Why must Blake pull Waverly out of the water on two different occasions, when once is enough to move the plot forward? And the answer is, presumably, because apart from those two incidents Blake is never seen either lifeguarding or guarding lives.
You’d think summer would be Blake’s busiest time of the year, but between teaching his romantic interest to swim, feeding his chickens, and parenting an unruly teenaged sister (whose actual father Blake/Amell could mathematically be, were she not played by a 29-year-old actress), I guess baywatching is just not a top priority.
Oh, and let’s not forget surfing, which Blake will apparently be teaching Waverly “next summer” (God deliver us from a sequel), even though the subject — only ever mentioned until the very last scene and second-to-last line of dialogue — barely even made it into this summer.
90% of Everything is Crap 