If action movies are anything to go by, the CIA (and any facsimile thereof) is like the WWE in the early-to-mid 90s (then WWF) — everybody seems to have a job doing something else (well, not everybody, but you get the idea); if they’re not beekeepers, they’re bricklayers.
Incidentally, The Bricklayer was certainly made with a retrograde, early-to-mid 90s (and even farther back) mentality. What are we to make of a film that features not just the old Red Digital Readout, but also an Ill-Timed Sneeze? All that’s missing is Scooby and the gang.
The sneezer, agent Kate Bannon (Nina Dobrev), says it’s not her fault that she’s allergic to dogs. She had earlier had the gall to call Steve Vail (Aaron Eckhart) “the worst spy ever,” even though she was the one who neglected to take the allergy medicine that he’d had the foresight to get her.
If only the movie truly were about the world’s worst spies… it would still suck, of course; that’s a genre that has been done often before, but seldom — if ever — has it been done right (one Spy Hard, one Undercover Brother, three Austin Powerses, and three Johnny Englishes come to mind). Director Renny Harlin, never mind that he’s more apt to be parodied than to parody, can do and has done better than that.
Take, for instance, Harlin’s two best works (or at least the ones I like best of the few I’ve seen): Die Hard 2 and The Long Kiss Goodnight — not only action packed but with a distinct sense of humor. “Just the fax, ma’am” may not be the epitome of comedy, but you can tell it’s a joke.
The sneezing thing in The Bricklayer, conversely, I don’t know if it’s a gag or writers Hanna Weg and Matt Johnson really couldn’t think of a better way for Kate and Steve to alert a bad guy of their presence. And if it is indeed a joke, I have no idea at whose expense — though it sure does Kate no favors, since it makes her come off as both incompetent and unwilling to own up to her incompetence.
Furthermore, it’s simply not funny; a Saturday morning cartoon moment that somehow found its way into a straightforward, R-rated thriller is bound to cause incredulity rather than amusement, and more likely to raise eyebrows than induce chuckles.
Then again, the entire screenplay is done by the numbers. Some, like the above, are random numbers; others pop up with the regularity of the Fibonacci sequence.
Steve is a jaded, tough-as-nails, seen-it-all maverick veteran brought back into active duty and paired up with book-smart desk jockey Kate to hunt down ostensibly deceased, murderous extortionist Victor Radek (the ever-reliable Clifton Collins Jr.), with whom Steve has a complicated history.
Just in case that’s not formulaic enough, Steve predictably wants nothing to do with the mission at first, only to change his mind when Radek sends him his “regards” by way of hired goons (during a fight that looks like it’s taking place in a rough cut of Frank Miller’s Sin City).
Much later, Radek will remind Steve, “I warned you to not get involved.” Actually, Steve was not going to get involved until you “warned” him — so yeah, Nice Job Fixing It, Villain. I guess this film is an example of Evil, as well as Good, being dumb.
Where was I? Oh, right. The heroes arrive in Greece, where they were supposed to pose as “middle-class tourists;” Steve, however, flips the script on Kate: “We’re losing those covers. My name’s Torrance. I’m a shipping magnate. You’re my wife.”
As far as I can discern, Torrance is how Steve was known in Greece (back when he was stationed there) or at least how he’s known to secondary villain Denis Stefanopoulos (Ori Pfeffer); he’s the only one who addresses Steve by his assumed name.
Other than that, the whole shipping-magnate-plus-trophy-wife façade never does come into play. There was no good reason to bring it up at all, only a couple of bad ones: 1) action characters who find themselves in similar circumstances are frequently required to pretend they’re married — sometimes, like in The Bricklayer, even if it’s needless and senseless. And 2) Harlin wanted to make sure we knew just how much of a plays-by-his-own-rules, flies-by-the-seat-of-his-pants kind of guy Steve is.
Equally superfluous is the part where Kate suspects Steve to be working with Radek. It’s a brief scene but nevertheless a waste of time. We know for a fact that Steve isn’t in cahoots with Radek, so there is no possible ambiguity whatsoever. It just makes a long movie longer.
And speaking of unwarranted length, the rest unfolds as you would expect it to until Steve takes down Radek with 20 minutes still to go; from that point on, all that’s left to do is wait for the other shoe to drop. All things considered, the lesson is clear: don’t send a bricklayer to do a beekeeper’s job.
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