You could hypothetically make a drinking game based on how many times the expression “nothing’s impossible” is used in Cloud 9 (the phrase “no fear” would also be acceptable); you shouldn’t, though, because this is after all a Disney Channel original movie, but it’s still a valid point.
The lesson, although aimed squarely at a preteen and adolescent viewership, is one that director Paul Hoen unabashedly took to heart; the way he saw it, everything is possible but only as long as you have stunt doubles, shoddy visual effects, and tricky editing. The result may be unconvincing, laughable, and even regrettable, but certainly not impossible. Now, just because something’s possible doesn’t mean it’s advisable — like making a family-oriented, snowboarding version of Rocky III.
Kayla Morgan (Dove Cameron) is the self-proclaimed “best girl shredder in Summit Valley.” Little does Kayla know that she’s a paper champion. Her father Richard (Patrick Fabian) owns the Summit Valley Resort, home of Team Swift, of which Kayla and her boyfriend Nick Swift (Mike C. Manning) are the stars.
Nick’s dad Sebastian (Jeffrey Nordling) is the team manager (I’m going with ‘manager’ as opposed to ‘coach’ because he’s never seen coaching the team — nor is the team as a whole ever seen training —; also, when Sebastian sees Kayla practicing a move on her own, he wonders aloud, “That trick Kayla’s working on, what is that?”).
Sebastian has Nick and the other two members of the team execute a halfbaked plan that ends with Kayla crashing a stolen sled through a Summit Valley Mountain Resort billboard (leaving behind a computer-generated hole). This allows Sebastian to kick Kayla out “for conduct unbecoming the team” without crossing Richard.
Shortly after this, Nick breaks up with Kayla and breaks the news to her: “My dad made sure that only girls you could beat went against you in the challenge … Your dad wants you to win. My dad wants to keep your dad happy since he’s bankrolling the team.” In other words, “Sebastian rigged all the competitions for [Kayla] to win” while Richard played dumb.
I understand Sebastian wanting to get rid of the weak link/deadweight holding Team Swift back, but I doubt this development is going to make Richard happy — or is there a tacit agreement that, because Kayla allegedly broke the “code of conduct,” Richard is bound to continue funding the team?
Also, if someone has to go, why not cut Sebastian loose instead? After all, he’s the one who’s been fixing the competitions; is that not “conduct unbecoming”? Moreover, Richard owns the sign that Kayla (sort of) destroyed; surely he can turn a blind eye to that too. Finally, he’s a hypocrite who should have no trouble claiming plausible deniability regarding Sebastian’s shady dealings. Sure, no Sebastian would mean no Nick; then again, who needs talented athletes when you’re willing to cheat and able to get away with it?
But anyway, Sebastian replaces Kayla with A-lister Skye Sailor (Kiersey Clemons) and Kayla (plus two other guys who get more lines but are otherwise as inconsequential as Team Swift’s own two other guys) starts her own team under the mentorship of Will Cloud (Luke Benward). Huh. It’s like all the main characters got a cool Meaningful Name except for the heroine.
Will suffered, prior to the events of the film, a Career-Ending Injury (torn knee tendon, shattered ankle, and collapsed lung, to be exact) attempting a move he calls Cloud 9 (the same move Sebastian doesn’t recognize when Kayla is practicing it, even though Will’s epic fail had gone viral), but he will eventually get Back in the Saddle and prove that he Still Got It. It’s all so tediously par for the course that this could have been a film about golf rather than snowboarding.
But then, is this a fundamentally sound snowboarding movie, as far as the sport is understood in the real world? I’m not saying I understood snowboarding before I watched Cloud 9, but I can’t say I understand it now, and that’s arguably the film’s greatest failure. As a neophyte, I can’t help feeling that there has to be more to snowboarding than the screenplay lets on.
Two competitions bookend the movie. Team Swift wins the first one (the “Spring Snowboard Challenge”), presumably by forfeit. Ostensibly, there is a “boys” category and a “girls” category, but only one boy and one girl appear to compete in a single event each. No wonder Kayla has been “reigning champion” for the past “six months” — Nick too, although not necessarily by choice.
The second, climactic competition (dubbed “Fire and Ice”) pits Team Swift directly against Team Kayla. All told, there are exactly two (2) teams, and the second is an offshoot of the first. “The crowd is anticipating the showdown between Skye Sailor and Kayla Morgan,” the announcer says, and understandably so; after that showdown and the showdown between Will and Nick, there aren’t any other showdowns — not even between the remaining members of each team.
Like the Spring Challenge, Fire and Ice seems to consist of a unique event. The boys and girls — or, rather, their stunt doubles — go out and do their thing, and then the judges show their scorecards; based on what parameters the competitors are being judged, however, I haven’t the foggiest (by way of comparison, Stick It taught me about gymnastics’ point-deduction system).
As for the moves, the announcer names them as they are being performed, which would be a neat way of explaining what a “Cab 7” or a “Front 9” is without actually having to explain it, were it not for the aforementioned editing trickery.
Will’s Cloud 9, for example, involves three rotations; what we get, though, is one rotation followed by a reaction shot, then another rotation and another reaction shot, and finally the third rotation. Suffice to say, it sounds much more impressive than it looks.
All things considered, maybe I’m splitting hairs; asking too much of a kiddie flick. On the other hand, maybe I’m not asking enough. It comes down to one question: are children dumb? And if the answer is ‘no, they’re not,’ then why are we insulting their intelligence? Not merely because it’s possible, I should hope.
90% of Everything is Crap 