Here’s yet another heist movie that unfolds as if it had been written by Rick Sanchez’s Heistotron. Righteous Thieves reminds me of The Score, a Frank Oz film wherein Bobby De Niro plays a criminal mastermind who has been gifted, not just with mere foresight, but downright clairvoyance; not only can he predict (or rather postdict, since it’s only conveniently after the fact that this knowledge is revealed) Ed Norton’s doublecross, but he is in fact counting on it.
The Score is as morally deficient as Righteous Thieves (they both believe that two wrongs do make a right), but at least it had De Niro when he still gave a shit, Norton reprising his trademark Primal Fear shtick, and Marlon Brando’s final film appearance. Righteous Thieves, on the other hand, has… well, none of those things.
Annabel Gomez (Lisa Vidal) is the so-called CEO of The Syndicate, “a secret organization engaged in the recovery of priceless artwork” (IMDb). Artwork such as an unspecified Monet that “was taken from the Rosenbaum family during the Nazi plunder of France.” Annabel stole it back from “the Kerrs” (whoever the fuck they are) and, apparently, “destroyed” it.
Either Annabel operates on an ‘if we can’t have it no one will’ basis, or the supposed destruction of the paintings is just a ruse — kinda like faking someone’s death. But if the Rosenbaum family is the Monet’s rightful owner, they should be able to openly acknowledge the return of their legitimate property, shouldn’t they?
Anyway, Annabel sets out to steal “[another] Monet, a Degas, a Picasso, and a Van Gogh” from “Otto Huizen [Brian Cousins], a German venture capitalist whose investments are focused on trying to create a neo-Nazi Fourth Reich [as opposed to a non-Nazi Fourth Reich?]” That’s quite a start-up right there.
Seems to me that taking down a would-be Hitler successor might just be a little bit more urgent than stealing his art collection; then again, Herr Huizen reacts as badly to losing his paintings as Göring (allegedly) did to the news that his Vermeer was a fake, and his ego is so wounded that it causes him to blab about his “other treasures, pieces far greater in value and significance than some old canvases” within earshot of some conveniently nearby federal agents, who’d like to talk to him about “documentation of ownership, and whether or not you’ve paid taxes.” Why our heroes didn’t just sic the feds on Huizen in the first place, I haven’t the foggiest.
Our heroes, by the way, are jujitsu-proficient hacker Lucille (Jaina Lee Ortiz), locksmith Nadia (Sasha Merci), Annabel’s right-hand man Eddie (Carlos Miranda), Annabel herself, and “wild card” Bruno (Cam Gigandet).
I put wild card in quotes because that’s actually how Annabel refers to Bruno’s role within the team. I’m reminded of the It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia episode “The Gang Solves the Gas Crisis,” which featured the following dialogue: “I’m the brains, you’re the looks, Charlie’s the wild card, and Frank is the muscle”. “Well, what’s Dee?” “She’s the useless chick.” According to Charlie, being the wild card involved doing dumb shit like jumping out of a moving vehicle right after announcing he had cut the brakes for no apparent reason.
Similarly, Bruno is brought in specifically to complicate matters needlessly. He questions Annabel’s ‘no guns’ rule, he attempts to renegotiate his compensation after he finds out that the paintings are “priceless,” he steals him some of Huizen’s gold even though that’s not part of the plan, etc. He might as well have randomly yelled “wild card, bitches!” each time he does something stupid.
Bruno’s betrayal is such a foregone conclusion that Annabel’s scheme literally wouldn’t work without it. She even pulls the old switcheroo on Bruno the same way that De Niro does with Norton in The Score. Unlike Norton, though, Bruno is dumber than a motherfucker, and he buys the whole ‘we have to destroy the paintings’ bit, which prompts him to try to sell them back to Huizen without realizing he’s the one getting doublecrossed (Huizen: “I don’t believe that Monet or Van Gogh bought their canvases from a hobby store”).
For some unexplained reason, it’s also important that Bruno thinks Annabel killed one of Huizen’s henchmen, who turns out to be on Annabel’s payroll. I for one think they could have put this inside man to better use, but then I’m no master thief.
Finally, Annabel has an early, unpleasant encounter with Huizen, the aftermath of which she explains to Eddie thus: “The Kerrs are on me. They want payback for destroying the Monet.” Eddie, mind you, is not Bruno; he’s Annabel’s longtime partner in crime. He would know whether the Monet was really destroyed or not.
Moreover, it’s established that Annabel always shoots straight with Eddie; in fact, he’s the only member of the team that she’s willing to let in on that she ran into Huizen. What I want to know is, did she or didn’t she destroy the Monet? It’s okay if she did; after all, every crew needs a useless chick.
90% of Everything is Crap 