This movie is so fucking retarded they should have just cast Larry the Cable Guy and called it Witless Protection 2. Having decided to testify against the father of her as yet unborn daughter, Teresa Russo (Leigh Truant at 22, Vaness Burns at 43) goes into the Witness Protection Program, and relocates from New Jersey to Ohio under the ‘new’ identity of Teresa Matheson.
That’s right; the United States Marshals Service let her keep the same first name. Perhaps they figured it would be easier to remember, considering that Teresa isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed. After 21 years in WITSEC, her daughter Elena (Romy Weltman) now all grown-up, Teresa throws caution to the wind and returns to Jersey to visit her ostensibly dying mother in the hospital. Yada yada yada, Teresa gets garroted for her trouble.
US Marshal Grant Carter (Milton Barnes) drops in on Elena to break the bad news and offer to enroll her in WITSEC too, since all signs point to her being next. Elena rebuffs the offer: “Like you did for my mom? Didn’t work out so well for her.” Yeah, and whose fault is that, you dumb fucking cunt?
A chip off the old, stupid block, Elena makes up her mind to go to New Jersey herself, telling Carter, “I need to know who my mother was and while I’m there, I’m gonna find her killer. I’m not bound by red tape like you.” You also lack the resources and expertise of a USMS field agent, but whatever.
Elena calls Jackie (Arwen Humphreys), an old friend of her mother whose existence was heretofore a mystery to her (and, ostensibly, vice versa). They briefly exchange pleasantries and Jackie asks Elena, sight unseen, to stay at her place; “It’s nothing fancy, but I’ve got a room to spare.”
Yup, nothing fancy.
Once in Jersey, Elena applies, interviews, and is hired — all in record time — for a job at her father’s company (“He’s on the suspect list” regarding Teresa’s murder). Lorenzo Bruno (Jorge Molina) served his time and has “allegedly cleaned himself up over the last several years,” as well as become the CEO of his own corporation; he still doesn’t know that he has a daughter, but he certainly strives to be a father to his employees, setting aside time for a “meet-and-greet” with every new hire — even lowly mailroom workers such as, you guessed it, Elena.
Elena befriends Ally (Samantha Brown) a barista/nurse who plies her trades, respectively, in the lobby of the LB Corporation building and at the hospital where Elena’s grandmother is still very slowly ‘dying.’ Ally also happens to be “helping Lorenzo with his side project.” What can I say? Bitch gets around.
To make a dumb story short, Ally is Jackie and Lorenzo’s lovechild (what can I say? Dude gets around); unbeknownst to him, the two women have been colluding to exact revenge on Teresa and Elena for “ruining” their lives somehow.
This makes exactly zero fucking sense. I mean, it was Elena who called Jackie, not the other way around. And it was Elena’s idea to get a job at LB Corporation (although she’s soon fired. Fired at, that is, with a gun, by Allie). What if she hadn’t done either of those things? All things considered, too many coincidences for a movie allegedly “inspired by true events.”
As for Elena, she keeps getting herself in trouble, calling Carter to bail her out (at least once literally), and then acting like a spoiled little brat when he does. Halfway through the movie I had half a mind to whack the bitch myself.
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