Samson is a Biblical drama that ironically appears to have been made by Philistines. The movie treats Samson as an Israelite version of Hercules (which, mythologically speaking, he may have very well been); sadly, the only Hercules director Bruce Macdonald seems to knows of is Kevin Sorbo’s in The Legendary Journeys — to the point of giving the hero his own apocryphal Iolaus equivalent.
The year is “1170 BC” in “ancient Israel.” I think the date alone would be enough to clue us in that we’re not in ‘modern’ Israel; on the other hand, considering that the establishing shot of “Israel” is a computer-generated image, perhaps the clarification is not as pointless as it may initially seem.
We meet Samson (Taylor James) and his heretofore unheard of younger brother Caleb (Greg Kriek) stealing corn; caught in the act, they both flee from Philistine soldiers who, for some reason, stop chasing them once Samson and Caleb pass through the city gates — unfortunately, the film neglects to have a Philistine admonish a fellow soldier thus: “Forget it, Jacob. It’s Chinatown” (not as far-fetched as you may think; later on there will be a reference to the Avengers’ Hulk).
“Whispers of a Hebrew with great strength” reach the ears of the Philistine prince Rallah (Jackson Rathbone); he doesn’t take them too seriously, but his father, King Balek (Billy Zane), orders him to investigate further, something Rallah does with no little reluctance (to paraphrase Iznogoud, Rallah wants to be King in place of the King). Rallah, you should listen to your friend Billy Zane. He’s a cool dude.
Rallah recruits a Philistine giant (who calls Jehovah a “puny god” wink, wink) to defeat Samson; Samson gets his ass handed to him at first, but then the Lord fills him with His spirit, leading Samson to ‘hulk up,’ as it were (unfortunately, there’s no mention of taking your vitamins and saying your prayers), and run wild on his opponent.
From here on out the plot sticks more or less faithfully to the biblical account, with a small but peculiar departure wherein Samson has to be tricked into visiting a brothel; the Book of Judges begs to differ, though: “Then went Samson to Gaza, and saw there an harlot, and went in unto her.”
Anyway, Samson is anointed Judge and travels to the Philistine capital to negotiate peace with Balek; the former’s conditions are as follows: “reduce the tribute, return the harvest that is rightfully ours [or else] you will face the wrath of God.”
In a line that is meant to be sacrilegious but comes across as unintentionally hilarious instead, Zane replies, with all the considerable sarcasm he can muster, “So you threaten me with natural phenomena, freakish acts, and the weather.” Ha! In your face Samson! It almost makes me forget that Balek and Rallah are just as imaginary as Caleb-Iolaus — not that Samson or Delilah are historical figures, but almost; their story is so well known that you don’t have to know your Bible to realize that this Samson is as much a caricature as the Simpsons’ version of David and Goliath.
90% of Everything is Crap 